One of the Ten
Most mitzvot in the Torah do not say what you get for keeping them. This one does.
Look at where it sits. In the view of Rabbi Chanina ben Gamliel, the Ten Commandments were written five on each tablet, and honoring parents is the last one on the first tablet, right after the commandments about God (Mechilta, an early midrash on Shemot, Bachodesh 8; the Sages there say all ten were written on each tablet).
Why does it belong there? The Ramban (Rabbi Moshe ben Nachman, Spain, 1200s) explains that the first commandments are about God, and this is the first one about people. It starts with parents because a parent is a partner with God in making you:
The Ramban is reading the words "as Hashem your God commanded you," which the commandment gains the second time the Torah gives the Ten Commandments, in Devarim:
In the Gemara, Ulla Rabba teaches how the nations of the world heard the Ten Commandments. When God said "I am Hashem your God" and "You shall have no other gods," they said He was seeking His own honor. Then came this one:
A God who tells you to honor your parents is not asking only for Himself. But why are parents so close to God in the first place?
Three partners
The Gemara compares honoring parents to honoring God, and gives the reason.
Another teaching, recited before Rav Nachman, turns it around:
The Rambam (Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon, Egypt, 1100s) builds his laws of honoring parents on this comparison. The Torah says "honor" and "fear" about parents, and it says both words about God:
Two commandments, then: honor and fear. And the Torah lists the parents in a different order in each one.
Father first, or mother first?
In the commandment to honor, the father comes first. In the commandment to fear, the mother does. Switch between the two verses.
Why switch? Rebbi (Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi, who put together the Mishnah) says the Torah stresses what does not come naturally:
The Rambam draws another lesson from the switch, one the Mechilta also gives right after Rebbi's words: the two parents are equal.
(When both ask for something at the same moment, the Rambam does put the father first, because the mother is also obligated to honor him: Laws of Rebels 6:14.)
So what does each one actually ask of you?
Fear and honor
The Gemara defines both in one short teaching.
Rashi (the classic commentator on the Gemara, France, 1000s) explains "deciding": when his father and another scholar disagree, he does not say which one is right.
Fear מוֹרָא
- Not taking his place
- Not contradicting him
- Not deciding between him and others
- Not calling him by his name (the Rambam)
Things you hold back from: they keep a parent's place above yours.
Honor כִּבּוּד
- Food and drink
- Clothing and covering
- Bringing in and taking out
- Standing up for them (the Rambam)
Things you do: you serve them the way you would serve a great person.
That is the theory. Now try it on real life. For each case, decide: is it fear, honor, or a place where the mitzvah stops?
Notice case eight: the same dinner can earn a reward or a punishment, depending on the face that serves it.
How, and with whose money
The way you serve a parent can matter more than what you serve.
How can making your father grind grain bring you to the World to Come? The Rema (Rabbi Moshe Isserles, Krakow, 1500s, whose notes on the Shulchan Aruch give the Ashkenazi practice) explains the second case:
Who pays?
The Gemara asks whose money pays for a parent's food and clothing:
So what does the child give? His time. The Gemara asks what the son loses if the parent pays, and answers: וְאִי אָמְרַתְּ מִשֶּׁל אָב, מַאי נָפְקָא לֵיהּ מִינֵּיהּ? לְבִיטּוּל מְלָאכָה, "time away from his work." The Rambam adds that if the parent has no money and the child does, the child must support them as much as he is able:
And the time is real time, with one limit:
How far does it go? The Sages answered with stories.
Seven stories
A key under a pillow, a robe torn off in front of Rome's nobles, a mother who climbed on her son's back, a glass of water, Esav's best clothes, and Yaakov's twenty-two years. Step through them.
Right after these stories in Kiddushin, the Gemara brings Rabbi Yochanan's words: אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן: אַשְׁרֵי מִי שֶׁלֹּא חֲמָאָן, "Fortunate is the one who never saw them." Rabbi Yochanan's father died before he was born, and his mother died when he was born (Kiddushin 31b). Rashi explains: it is impossible to honor parents as fully as one must, and a person is punished on their account. Even so, the mitzvah has limits.
Where it stops
Honoring parents is a great mitzvah. It is not the only one, and it has edges.
Not against the Torah
The Rambam rules that this covers every mitzvah, even a law of the Sages: if a parent asks you to break it, you do not listen (Laws of Rebels 6:12).
A parent who does wrong
The Shulchan Aruch rules the same way (Yoreh De'ah 240:18). About honoring a wicked father, the Rema brings a different view:
Even on that view, the Shach says it is still forbidden to cause him pain.
Torah study is greater
The Gemara learns this from Yaakov's fourteen years in the house of Ever, which did not count against him (Megillah 16b, the last story above). The commentators limit it. The Pri Chadash, quoted in the Pitchei Teshuva on Yoreh De'ah 240, says it applies when a student must leave town to learn; when he is home, he serves his father and then goes back to learning. The Shulchan Aruch also discusses a student who wants to learn somewhere else, with a teacher he is confident he will grow with, and whose father objects out of worry for his safety:
These are rulings about specific cases. They do not cancel the rest of this page, and every family is different. If you are facing a decision like this, talk it through with your parents, and with a rav.
The parents' side
And a father who hits his grown son is put under a ban (niddui), because he is putting a stumbling block before the blind: he could push his son to sin against him (Rambam, Laws of Rebels 6:9). The Shulchan Aruch adds that "grown" here means 22 or 24 years old (Yoreh De'ah 240:20).
When a parent's mind is gone
The Raavad (Rabbi Avraham ben David, Provence, 1100s) objects: "This is not a correct ruling. If he goes and leaves him, whom will he command to watch him?" The Shulchan Aruch rules like the Rambam (Yoreh De'ah 240:10). A family facing this should ask a rav.
If home is hard. Some readers have a parent who is ill, absent, or hurting them. This page is for learning, and it cannot weigh your situation. If you are being hurt or do not feel safe, tell a trusted adult now: a teacher, a school counselor or a rav. Asking for help is not a failure to honor your parents.
The mitzvah also does not end when a parent's life does.
After they are gone
The Gemara says it plainly: מְכַבְּדוֹ בְּחַיָּיו, וּמְכַבְּדוֹ בְּמוֹתוֹ, "he honors him in his life, and honors him in his death."
"May his memory be a blessing" is the familiar zichrono livracha, often written z"l after a name. Even the way a person quotes a parent who is gone is part of the mitzvah.
And the promise of long life?
"So that your days will be long"
You say a version of this every morning, right after the blessings on the Torah.
Some reward in this world, then, like Dama ben Netina's red heifer. But the Gemara also faces a hard case. Two mitzvot in the Torah promise the same reward, "so that it will go well with you and your days will be long": honoring parents, and sending away the mother bird before taking her young (Devarim 5:16 and 22:7). What if someone does both at once?
This is a teaching of Rabbi Yaakov. He says that for every mitzvah whose reward the Torah spells out, the reward is tied to the resurrection of the dead, and Rava sums up his view: there is no reward for mitzvot in this world. In his reading, the long life the Torah promises is a life that does not end. The Ramban reads the promise both ways: Hashem fills our days in this world, and they are long in the World to Come (Ramban on Shemot 20:12).
Common questions
Short answers, with sources.
What is kibud av va'em?
Hebrew for "honoring father and mother," the fifth of the Ten Commandments (Shemot 20:12; Devarim 5:16). The Torah also commands fearing them (Vayikra 19:3), so there are two mitzvot: honor and fear (Rambam, Laws of Rebels 6:1).
What is the difference between honor and fear?
Fear is what you hold back from: taking a parent's place, contradicting them, deciding between them and others, calling them by their first name. Honor is what you do: food and drink, clothing, helping them come and go, standing up for them (Kiddushin 31b; Rambam, Laws of Rebels 6:3).
Do I have to do whatever my parents say?
The Gemara defines honor as serving a parent's needs, and fear as respect for their place. How far a parent's wishes bind a child on matters that are not about the parent's own needs is discussed by the poskim (rabbis who decide Jewish law); ask your rav. What is clear: if a parent asks you to break a mitzvah, you do not listen (Rambam, Laws of Rebels 6:12), and you do not have to obey a parent who tells you not to make peace with someone (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De'ah 240:16).
Who pays for a parent's needs?
The halacha follows the view that it comes from the parent's money (Kiddushin 32a). The child gives time and effort. If the parent has no money and the child does, the child supports them as much as he is able (Rambam, Laws of Rebels 6:3; Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De'ah 240:5). The Rema brings a view that a child only has to give as much as he would owe to tzedakah, but if he can afford more, a curse comes on someone who supports his father from his tzedakah money (Yoreh De'ah 240:5).
Do daughters have this mitzvah too?
Yes. Men and women are both obligated in fear and honor (Rambam, Laws of Rebels 6:6). The Rambam and the Shulchan Aruch add that a married woman is not always free to do it, because of her obligations in her own marriage; a divorced or widowed woman is obligated exactly like a man (Yoreh De'ah 240:17). How this works in a marriage today is a question for a rav.
Do I have to honor a stepparent or an older brother?
You honor your father's wife while your father is alive, and your mother's husband while your mother is alive, as part of honoring your parent. The Sages also require honoring an older brother (Rambam, Laws of Rebels 6:15).
What if my parents object to where I want to learn, or whom I want to marry?
The Shulchan Aruch rules that a student who is confident he will grow in learning with a teacher in another place does not have to listen to a father who objects out of worry for his safety (Yoreh De'ah 240:25). The Rema there adds that a son does not have to listen to a father who objects to the woman he wants to marry. Later poskim add conditions, for example that the match is a suitable one. These rulings are about specific cases, and honor and fear still apply in full. Talk it through with your parents, and with a rav.
What if a parent did serious wrong?
The Rambam says that even a wicked father is honored and feared (Laws of Rebels 6:11), and the Shulchan Aruch rules the same (Yoreh De'ah 240:18). The Rema brings a view that there is no obligation to honor a wicked father unless he has done teshuvah, and the Shach adds that even on that view it is forbidden to cause him pain. Situations like this need a rav who knows the family.
How do I correct a parent who is doing something wrong?
Not "you broke the Torah." The Gemara's wording is "Father, there is a verse in the Torah that says this" (Kiddushin 32a). The Rambam and the Shulchan Aruch put it as "Father, it is written in the Torah such and such," said as if you were asking him and not warning him, so that he understands on his own and is not embarrassed (Rambam, Laws of Rebels 6:11; Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De'ah 240:11).
What does a child say when quoting a parent who has died?
From the Gemara: within twelve months of a parent's death, a child quoting him says "may I be an atonement for his resting place"; after that, "may his memory be a blessing for the life of the World to Come" (Kiddushin 31b).
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